Early morning, recently, I woke with churning sensation in my stomach. The result from the fear of a thought how useless my future would look like, of the thought of got older, and powerless feeling to change.
A whole week I was drowning in a same misery because of something as mundane as failed sponsorship for an admitted letter overseas. Saying I want to pursue that was an understatement. I yearn. Another mundane thing like my current situation in the office, a wrecked pc that need fixed, added my frustation. I keep thinking how could everything going to end like this when I got a carefully mapped out plan for years? What kind of prayed that I missed?
I keep telling myself that there is much more horrible thing out there that deserved to whining about rather than my selfish ambition. I was not starving. I was not losing child because of war, gotten miscarriage, nor bear some incurable disease. I was healthy. I have job and roof above my head. I was not engaging in some abusive relationship. I was not left being heartbroken.
It still hurt, thought.
I think, no matter what kind of the cause, nothing about misery felt less hurt. It is a part of life that demand to felt.
Misery is something that we could survive.
Maybe, it just some fate, that some people could discovering, somehow, by how close their relationship with God.